The Tiny Fashionista: I've Got 99 Problems and Poo is #1 (or #2)

I hate talking about poo. I really do. My long time friends know this is a subject I avoid. Ask my in-laws about my disgust and quick dinner table departures if the subject of their kids’ poo came up. I HATED the thought of a children’s book titled, “Everyone Poops.” Now, I own it.

Like any closet shame, it’s time I share; my name is Kate and my Tiny Fashionista won’t poop. And now I must talk about it. Every. Single. Day.

For parents out there that have a “holder” you will sympathize and understand every raw, disgusting word of this. For those, like the old me, without kids, or with kids without poop problems feel free to skip this post. I get it, and I’ll see you next week.

We have been battling this epidemic for over a year. It starts with a little creeping thought…hmmm. “Doesn’t seem like I’ve changed a poopy diaper in a few days.” Then, hmmmm, “did she go at all this week?”

Then there are the horrible grunting noises that you mistake for, “oh my kid is trying to go.” In reality these are the sounds of a child desperately trying to hold in a poo that wants to escape. (Queue crazy eyes…this is a real thing.)

And, of course there are the fights, the pleas, the closed door deals…”PLEEEASSEEE, if you poop I’ll buy you a puppy. Seriously, whatever you want I’ll buy it, just please for the love of Christ and all things holy…just poop!!!”

For Tiny, this holding stage started long before potty training. I’m not sure if its her “type A I need to control everything, including when I poop personality” or the fact that she had a couple of doozies that hurt and now she’s gun shy (she has a mind like a steal trap, and also apparently a butt), but the reality is, it doesn’t matter, if you have a kid that won’t poop, it’s maddening.

We’ve had doctor appointments that led to conversations about fiber intake, daily doses of Miralax, pro-biotics, potty charts and prize boxes. I’ve read books, with title’s like “It’s No Accident” and blogs suggesting it’s a phase. But we’re tired. Oh, so very tired.

Poop is coming between us. Or, err, the lack of poop is coming between me and my best girl. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. See?!? What has become of me?) Number two is the number one thing we fight about. We are both frustrated.

So, if you are waging a Poop War, like me, here are the tips I’ve gathered in my year of research and desperation. These have helped win some battles, but until I get a grip on my own frustration I doubt I’ll see poopoo waving the white flag of surrender. I am no Master General, merely a foot soldier in this messy battlefield with some real tactical experience searching for “land mines.” And here are a few things I’ve learned in the trenches…

Patience. Well, actually I’m still trying to master this one. But, I know it is required even when I don’t practice this. (You know what they say, “those that can’t do, teach.”) The more frustrated I get, the more frustrated Tiny gets and this helps no one. When I can just learn to relax, and let her drive the proverbial poop bus, miracles happen…or in our case, sh$t happens.
Tummy Juice. A magical mixture of Miralax and your child’s favorite clear beverage like Gatorade. I was very hesitant to throw drugs at the problem refusing to believe I was a parent that couldn’t get my kid to eat her veggies. I desperately wanted to fix the problem with diet and patience, but that didn’t work. In our case, which is a really tough one, a little extra help is required. The biggest mistake I’ve made is yo-yo-ing the Miralax; give it to her for a few days and then think she’s cured so I back off and the trouble starts again. I’ve learned that she needs it every single day so she can have (the squeamish put on your blinders here…sh$t’s about to get real) poopoo that resembles peanut butter vs. boulders.
Hide the Fiber, and Limit Dairy. Dr. Steve Hodges talks about being a Super Pooper in his book, “It’s No Accident.” A kid can’t stay on Miralax forever (at least I’d like to think we’ll “Let it Go! Let if Go!” someday), and a diet high in fiber is crucial to graduate from Tummy Juice. But, if you have a kid like mine that thinks most green vegetables are “gross” this can be tough. So we play hide the fiber. We make smoothies with fruit, almond milk, flax seeds, kale and psyllium husk. We eat Whole Grain waffles with zucchini and make high fiber muffins. Our cookies are always full of super-pooping ingredients (thanks mom for the “crap” cookie recipe) and our popsicles are just frozen versions of our high fiber smoothies. We eat Almond Butter and Almond Milk instead of Peanut Butter and cow’s milk. Our favorite snack is popcorn and we try to mix nuts and seeds into all of our “mixy snacks” (trail mix). I’m happy to share some recipes I’ve found…if this speaks to you email me.
Master Cleanse. If you suspect your problem is outrageous, it probably is. Ask your doc about an x-ray to see if what ails your holder is a giant softball size mass of poop in their rectum. I’m serious. Its so, so gross but a real thing. An x-ray at your doc’s office can quickly answer this question. And, a master cleanse, as in “colonoscopy-style” may be required. Do this on a weekend, buy yourself a bottle of booze and see #8.
No Big Deal. Tiny is totally pee-trained. She hasn’t had a pee accident since the day she decided that the potty was her jam. But, like Justin and Selena, she has been on again, off again with the potty and #2. This makes me insane. But, like that clever little, so sweet you want to vomit, Daniel Tiger says, “when you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four.” Seriously. Do it. If you have a holder chances are your child is also afraid to poop in the potty. They will have accidents, and the biggest thing I can say about this is…try to let it roll off your back and celebrate on the inside that at least she pooped. A little accident is no big deal, and then see #8.
Safe Haven. If pooping on the potty scares your holder. Back off. When she starts telling you her tummy hurts or saying your name over and over in a really weird way, give her an out. I always offer the potty, but then offer to let her do her business in a diaper in a private room. This isn’t ideal, but at least she’s pooping. Also, it doesn't hurt to have a panic room for yourself. When you find you are about to "lose your sh$t," recognize this does nothing to actually make her "lose" hers and go to your happy place.
Keep Asking. Ask and don’t judge, especially when the answer you get isn’t the one you want. I’ve learned that my kid can hold her pee too. Everyday I ask her to go potty before we leave the house. And, if she doesn’t have to, she simply won’t do it. She goes to school from 9-2, two days a week and has yet to pee there. Yes, I’m worried. But, she pees a river when she gets home and all I can do is keep asking.
Throw the Panties Away. Sometimes the juice just ain’t worth the squeeze. Wrap those suckers up in a Walmart bag and toss them right in the trash. Nothing worse than piling on the frustration by scrubbing poop stains and crazy messes out of $2 underpants. Throw them away, wash your hands of them (literally) and walk away.

Reading this advice may do nothing, but make you feel less alone. We are a long way from winning the war, but at least I feel like I’ve finally figured out what we are fighting. Go into your next battle knowing you are not alone, there is a community of parents that feel your pain, and just like you, wish like hell we could make our kids poop without pain and anxiety. If you have any wisdom on the subject, please share…I’m like a sponge and can’t get enough information on the science of poo. (oh dear god, did i just type that?)

Also, the big duh here…I’m not a doctor. Ask your pediatrician if you suspect your holder may benefit from any of this nonsense.